In the wake of Amber Rudd’s third apology over the Windrush scandal, civil servants have decided to engage the little known ‘auto-pilot’ option and just allow the department to run itself, whilst Rudd or any new Secretary of State sits in the staff canteen or just generally stays at home.

Tesla is the preferred option on the basis that a department should always be driven by a ‘fully attentive driver’. However, the Foreign Office and DexEU have both managed without a number of times – mostly when Boris Johnson was out jogging or when David Davies wanted both hands free to hold a mirror up so he could better see his own pompous grin.

Tesla would not comment on whether the Palace had any similar contingencies in place and refused to discuss the new Tesla ‘Regency package’, which not only offers the auto-pilot option but zero emissions, high mileage and a driver’s seat which lifts to become your own personal toilet.

David Might and his wife Trisha from Westminster have been camped out in a BMW garage showroom for three nights, trying to get a good deal on a second-hand BMW. ‘We’re not leaving until we get a good deal,’ he told reporters. ‘The deadline is approaching when they close for the break, and we have to have a deal by then, because that’s just before my wife’s birthday.’

Attempts by David to walk out of the showroom were halted by Trisha, who told him firmly that if they didn’t get her a BMW by her birthday, she would divorce him. The original asking price of £28,000 for a good condition family car has gone up to around £50,000, with only bottom of the range cars left. ‘I can’t understand why my negotiating ploys are being ignored,’ he said. ‘I told Trisha that the deal at the Toyota garage down the road was better but she is insisting on a Beamer.’

The salesman, a Mr Barnihey, said that he was sure they would come to some agreement because Mr Might had no choice. ‘It is impossible for them to walk out empty-handed,’ he said. ‘I own their sorry arses. Mwahahahahaaa.’

The Mammal Society and Natural England study has revealed as many as 12 species may be facing a Hard Brexit – or ‘extinction’ as its technically known.  It is likely that in the next year sightings of a pro-EU Conservative will become as rare as the grey long-eared bat – or ‘Michael Howard’ to his friends.

Factors such as political climate change and excessive use of David Davis, has meant a shrinking habitat for pro-EU Tories.  One Minister warned that larger mammals such as Ken Clarke can expect to put out to pasture but smaller weasels like Anna Soubry are at risk of being crushed under-foot as Theresa May blithely runs through fields of wheat.

Too many newspapers have blamed immigrants, specifically: ‘Bloody grey squirrels, coming over here eating our nuts’.  Yet despite this a spokeswoman for the Mammal Society remained optimistic: ‘As long as we have a Minister for the Environment who listens to experts, this whole unnatural disaster can be averted…oh…wait a minute…it’s Michael Gove isn’t it?’

The Tory Party is desperate to somehow achieve the impossible and arrive at an agreement that will see them attempt to move the Brexit process forward. With this in mind Prime Minister Theresa May cobbled together a ‘last gasp’ meeting to be held at Chequers today. NewsBiscuit has obtained a leaked copy of the agenda.

Cabinet ‘Last Gasp’ Session – Chequers July 6th 2018

AGENDA

9.30 Arrival Coffee and Victoria Sponge Slices

10.00 Introduction and general housekeeping matters (TM)

10.15 Overview of progress made on Brexit negotiations since June 2016 (DD)

10.15.30 Brainstorming session – Topic ‘What the fuck are we to do next?’ (All)

13.00 Lunch and handling of departmental crises (All)

14.00 The Case for Soft Brexit (TM)

15.00 Motivational guest speaker – Jacob Rees-Mogg Via Facetime (J R-M & All)

15.59 The Irish Border

16.00 A case for Hard Brexit – Sticking it to Johnny Foreigner – (BJ, MG, DD)

17.00 Inter-party bitter infighting and open hostility (All)

18.00 Refreshment Break and more crises handling

19.00 Brexit – ‘The Third Way’ (Anyone?…)

20.00 Hastily convened press call to pretend a consensus has been reached (TM, BJ, DD, MG)

21.00 Dinner

23.30 Widespread leaking and  briefing against everyone else (All)

24.00 Stick pencils up noses and say ‘Wibble’ then carry on as per past two years (All)

01.55  Date of next meeting – TBC ad nauseam

02.00 Meeting closes in total disarray

Brexit Secretary David Davis has confirmed that the final terms of Britain’s exit from the EU will be trialled on mice under laboratory conditions before being rolled out across the country. The move has been broadly welcomed by MPs and business leaders who have expressed concerns about the effect an untested settlement could have on the UK economy.

‘The boffins are working on a serum which can be injected directly into mice which will replicate the effects of Brexit’ says Davis. ‘I don’t claim to understand it but I’m confident that the mice will flourish and become more outward-looking and make new friends with other mice from all over the world’.

However, Dr Fenton Barnes of Cambridge University, who will be leading the project, does not share the Brexit Secretary’s optimism.

‘We’re at the very early stages of the project’ says Barnes. ‘But when we injected a small dose of a serum engineered to replicate the effects of leaving the single market and restricting freedom of movement the mice became very listless and withdrawn. They only became animated when we put a photograph of Michael Gove in the cage, at which point they got very angry and defecated on his face’.

Meanwhile animal rights groups have expressed concern about the potential cruelty of the testing methods.

‘Unfortunately there isn’t really any other way of doing it’ says Barnes. ‘Although some senior Tory MPs did ask if we could carry out the tests on other life forms that might be less controversial, like micro-bacteria or the Scots’.

The trial is expected to run for 12 months after the final deal has been agreed.

‘We’d like it to be longer’ says Barnes. ‘But our EU funding runs out in 2020 and we’re screwed after that’.

‘If this tunnel exists, then this could be a game changer,’ Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab told a secret meeting of the cabinet last night. ‘It may sound like a story from the second world war, but the so-called tunnel has been there for some time, according to some people I’ve spoken to, and provides a direct link-up between Southern England and virtually the whole of France. Not only is it under the sea, it’s under the sea bed. That’s how secret it is.

‘Probably, if it exists, it was dug by escaped British prisoners of war helping to liberate Europe from the N word people you’re not supposed to mention. But if we did dig it during World War 2, where did we put the spoil? Clearly the earth they dug up would have been more than just a dozen trousers-full. But as far as I can see, there are no tell-tale earth mountains anywhere. Evidence of a hoax. Or rather absence of evidence.

‘I intend to go straight to the site of the entry to the ‘tunnel’ this afternoon, just to check if it exists. Mrs Raab will record Eastenders on the Betamax, so no worries there. I’m sorry security concerns mean I can’t tell you that it starts in a British town beginning with D and goes all the way to a French coastal town. Possibly Bordeaux, or Des Moines. If I find anything I’m setting aside some of the weekend to come up with ideas about how this tunnel could work in our favour, and whether we can put a frictionless border somewhere down there. Failing that, the only safe thing to do is continue keeping it a secret. When Mr Trump lets off his nuclear war planned for next summer, my guess is we can fit a good deal of the right kind of people from the South East down there, with their Brexit-no deal stockpiles of Heinz Ravioli and thermonuclear underwear.

‘One thing we can do immediately is quash the rumours. For example, I’ve seen on the internet (which Mrs Raab has let me go on again after the incident with heavythrobbers.com) that some people say that this tunnel, which is probably a hole in the ground in Kent, is ‘big enough to have trains running through it.’ I say let crazy fake news like that surface. Risky? No. Hear me out. People aren’t stupid. The crazier the rumour the less likely people are going to believe it.

‘Clearly, if it does exist and it’s big enough for a man to stand up in, the danger is after Brexit the Barnier hoards could simply pile through it, swamping southern England with Europeans demanding fruit picking jobs, strong coffee, universal credit and European sexual practices.

‘I for one doubt that is the case. But it’s my duty to go to Essex and check. If there is a tunnel there, it is crucial David Davis and Boris Johnson do not find out about it. If there isn’t a tunnel there, I wonder if we could get David and Boris to believe there is a tunnel. They’d emerge from their silence and go round threatening everyone with invasion by Mrs Merkel’s Panzer divisions, and we could then expose them as the charlatons they obviously are.

‘I mean trains. I ask you. How would you keep that secret?’

Hat tip Sinnick

Theresa May has announced that the Department for Exiting the EU is to be disbanded with immediate effect and that full authority for negotiating terms with the EU has been handed to the Ministry of Magic. Leave supporters have welcomed the news, as they have become frustrated at the slow pace in achieving the impossible without recourse to supernatural powers.

‘I’m clear that we need clarity on this,’ the Prime Minister said in that weird robotic drone of hers. ‘We need strong and stable – ah, no, it’s not that any more, is it? – my government has full confidence in the Minister for Magic, Cornelius Fudge, despite that regrettable incident where a dozen Death Eaters entered the office unnoticed and signed in as a rescue mission. Look, he’s got to be better than David Bloody Davis, hasn’t he?’

Traditionally, the Minister for Magic only makes contact with the Prime Minister when events in the wizard world may affect Muggles. However, during the past 18 months, Fudge has been forced to make repeated appearances through the fireplace at Number 10 to tell Mrs May that, despite what has been implied in the Daily Mail, there will not be a surge in free unicorns appearing in Britain from April 2019.

The change will lead to a Cabinet reshuffle, with leading Brexiters heading support departments within the Ministry of Magic. David Davis will use his experience of negotiating with Brussels at the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes, while Jacob Rees-Mogg, as the only MP fluent in Latin, will ensure spells are spoken correctly at the helm of the Improper Use of Magic Office. Finally, Boris Johnson will head up the Muggle-Worthy Excuse Committee.

‘The Ministry of Magic is clearly the right vehicle for the Brexit process,’ said Mrs May. ‘As recent history shows, its high officials are blind to danger, prefer to cover up bad news, make hasty decisions based on personal prejudices and refuse to weigh up the evidence. They also have a history of collusion with Lord Voldemort – or Nigel Farage, as some people still call him.’

Lapland has warned Britain that this year could be its last Christmas after stating that there would be no favourable treatment of the UK once it leaves the EU.

‘You can’t have your mince pie and eat it,’ Santa warned the UK today. ‘If you want to leave the EU, you can’t have free access to my single Christmas market. You’re heading for a hard BreXmas. You’ll be at the back of the queue for a trade deal, so realistically you’ll have to rely on Amazon to deliver your gifts next year.’

Under the EU constitution, any country wishing to break off its relationship with Santa must initiate the two-year process by writing him a letter and sending it up the chimney. Santa will then decide whether the country should be allowed to leave, taking into account how naughty or nice it has been this year. The UK Supreme Court is currently considering whether it is the government or Parliament that has the power to write to Santa.

’The whole thing is a farce,’ said UKIP leader Paul Nuttall. ‘The British people have spoken: we need to end the free movement of reindeer and take back control of Christmas. Bloody foreigners coming over here, breaking into our homes, half-eating mince pies, and leaving gifts under the tree. We need British gifts for British children.’

But some leave voters feel they’ve been misled. ‘Boris Johnson said that if we leave the EU we’d have £350m more to spend on presents – it was plastered across his campaign sleigh. Well I haven’t seen a penny of that money. That’s the last time I believe anything that a jolly, overweight, red-faced man tells me.’

Despite the crisis, the Prime Minister has reassured the public that Christmas will go ahead as usual. ‘If necessary, David Davis will dress up in red and give presents himself. It’s not like he’s going to deliver anything else within the next two years.’